I have nothing left

I'm constantly tired at the moment.  The momentum from the move has gone, the build up and excitement for Christmas is behind us and I am simply here.  My mind is so full, constantly full of everything that nothing is being achieved.  I can't see anything clearly because there is no room for the images … Continue reading I have nothing left


holding it in

Communication is a tricky thing.  Sometimes even communicating in writing is too hard, knowing I am going to send what I am writing to another person creates a barrier, creates the same problem as speaking it.  I have been forgetting all the words this week.  There have been moments I have had to push through, … Continue reading holding it in

How I Show Love: Autism

Autism and expectations

Communication is a two-way street and when it comes to autism, it’s often one-way traffic. When I say that people usually assume they know what I mean. They think I mean that autistic people are disordered and can’t communicate as well as non-autistic people.

That’s not what I mean.

Communication is one-way traffic insofar as it is assumed that there is a “right” way to communicate, and a “wrong” way. By definition that would make my autisic communication wrong, and everyone else’s right.

What does that mean for me? Well, it means learning unnatural communication methods, and being criticised for not finding them natural.

Small talk, eye contact, physical contact such as hugging or touching an arm, telling “social lies” because other people attach meaning to facts that are not intrinsic to the fact; these are ways of communicating. There is no rule that says these are the right ways.

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I spent so many years not knowing, the version of you I saw, wasn't you.  I saw what I wanted, because I like to see the good.  I don't understand you, I didn't understand your actions or behaviour so I put my spin on it, made it okay.  But that is no longer possible, even … Continue reading Filters


I didn't let them go.  Does that make me a bad person?  I don't know.  I know letting them go, knowing what I know makes me complicit.  I am between a rock and a hard place.  There is nothing that can be done to solve this right now.  I tried, I cannot force anyone else … Continue reading complicit